In the Name of Science
by crackbabby
Summary: Entry for the "Love for the Unloved" contest. “How do I even find a man to… get me pregnant?”


_I mean no offense. I'm just crazy with a little too much time on my hands. The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just destroying them for the sake of lolz._

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**"Love for the Unloved" Contest Entry**

**Title: In the Name of Science**

**Your pen name(s): crackbabby**

**Featured "B-list" Character(s): Mike Newton**

**If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this contest visit the "Love for the Unloved" C2 Community:  
**

**http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/community/Love_for_the_Unloved_Contest/72809/**

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_**Mike POV**_

I didn't know how it happened, but I'm pretty sure I had magically transformed into a roast turkey.

Maybe that old crow I made fun of at the diner was a goblin, or maybe some magical leprechaun had hexed me or something, I don't know. The last thing I remembered, I was walking home from Ben's house after a boring-as-Jessica-Stanley game of Monopoly. Someone zapped me in the neck with something sharp and must have shoved me into an oven while I was writhing on the ground in pain, because I had been burning in agony for weeks now.

Honestly, it was getting a little tiring.

Finally the metaphorical egg-timer rang, and whoever put me in here pulled me out of the oven and onto the cooling rack. The burning sensation was still sort of there, but it seemed to be disappearing from my limbs inch by slow inch.

And then suddenly… it was gone. Everything was creepy quiet. It sort of felt like I was watching the world from under some exceptionally clear water. I opened my eyes and looked around the unfamiliar room, trying to figure out why everything felt so… dead. Oh, right. I wasn't breathing. That might have had something to do with it.

I inhaled deeply through my nose, or tried to, but suddenly large fingers came and clamped my nostrils shut.

"Don't!" a man screamed. He was so _loud_. Did he not realize I was right next to him? His other fingers came to my lips and pulled them open while saying, "Open wide." I complied, because… well I'm not really sure why. When a guy pulls you out of the fire and tells you to open up, you do it.

As soon as my mouth was open, this warm and heavenly liquid was pouring down my throat from what looked like a canteen.

It was amazing, like the best meal I've ever tasted blended into a smooth puree. Seriously fantastic stuff. All too quickly, the flow of liquid stopped. My stomach felt full, and my throat didn't burn anymore. The man who had force fed me released my nose and took a step back, smiling widely.

What the heck was going on here?

For the first time since I opened my eyes, I fully looked around the room. There were no windows and only one door. The only real lighting came from a crack under the door, but I could still see perfectly.

Unfortunately that meant I could see the two men in the corner who were grinning at me like I was an Easter chicken ready to be served up. The one who had been touching me wore a white doctor's coat and had a stethoscope draped around his neck. His blond hair was slicked back like he'd just gone swimming. His lips were curved up into an attractive, albeit crazy smile that kind of reminded me of a young David Hasselhoff. Wait, did I just refer to a dude as _attractive_? I needed to lay off the caffeinated soda.

The other man wore a slightly creepier smile and a black cape. His hair was slicked back just like the other guy's, but it was black and contrasted sharply with his pale skin. I kind of felt like I was looking at a supermodel and his evil twin. God, that was twice now that I'd commented on the first dude's appearance. Something was clearly wrong with me.

"Hello, Michael!" Hasselhoff shrieked at me out of nowhere, shattering my ear drums.

"Cheese and crackers, will you stop yelling?!" I snapped back.

"Oh, sorry," he said sheepishly. "I forgot about newborn hearing. I'm just so excited!" He was getting loud again, but the other man stepped forward and put his hand on his shoulder, silently reminding him to calm down.

"I'm sorry for my brother's… enthusiasm, Michael," said the evil twin. He may have been creepy, but his voice was much more soothing. "My name is Eleazar, and this is Carlisle. We're both very excited to meet you."

I scooted up on… huh, I guess I was on a bed, until I was sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees.

"I gathered that," I said cautiously. This place was giving me the heebie-jeebies.

Carlisle tried to step forward, but Eleazar's hand held him in place. He huffed in frustration, then turned back toward me.

"I'm sure you're wondering what's happened to you. Maybe you have some questions?"

"Yes, a few," I said sarcastically. "Where am I? Who are you people? Did you try to cook me? What did you just feed me? Why are you both looking at me like that? How-"

Eleazar interrupted my rant.

"Michael! Michael, there will be plenty of time for _those_ kind of questions later. Let us talk for a moment, and if you still have questions, we'll be happy to answer them."

I glared at him through the darkness and then sighed, nodding my head. He smiled at me, gave one warning glance to his brother, and then started to speak.

"The first thing you need to know is probably the most startling. You see, there is something big that you, Carlisle, and myself all have in common. We all were attacked by a mysterious beast at some point during our young adulthood. We all burned for three days in the fiery torture of transformation. And as a result… _weareallvampires_."

He said the last portion in a rush, but I heard him anyway. My ears seemed to work better than they did before.

"_Vampires_?! Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not kidding you. Now shut up and let me finish. Something you probably didn't know is that certain vampires are gifted with supernatural powers. Your classmate Edward, for instance, can read minds." Hah, I always knew that kid was a freak. "I have the boring, but useful ability to sense the powers of others. When I first saw you last week, I knew right away that you would be something extraordinary as a vampire. So I talked to my brother here, and we both decided that you were worth more to the world as a vampire than you were as a human. And boy, was I right."

I frowned, trying to figure out what this meant. Not the vampire stuff because… whoa, talk about a mindfuck. But if I was worth something as a vampire… "Does that mean I have a power?"

"The most unique and important power of all, dear boy," Carlisle said, clapping his hands together excitedly. "As far as we know, you are the first vampire in all of eternity that has the ability to procreate. You are the world's first fertile vampire!"

"So does that mean I can get vampires pregnant?"

If Edward Cullen was a vampire, then his hot blond sister probably was one too. I wouldn't be opposed to hitting that… in the name of science of course. Though when I actually thought about, the idea of boning Rosalie Hale wasn't exactly as appealing as I would have imagined. Huh.

"No, my dear sweet pancake," Carlisle cooed, "You can _get_ pregnant."

My heart stopped. Though if I was honest, I couldn't remember feeling my pulse beat even once since I woke up in this weird place. I couldn't… I… this made no sense, so I said the only thing I could really articulate at the moment.

"But… I'm a guy."

"Exactly!" Eleazar exclaimed. "It's even more amazing than I ever could have imagined."

I continued to sit there like a brain-dead zombie, so Carlisle spoke again, sounding slightly less crazy than before.

"You see, Mike, I have been a scientist for over 300 years now, and you may be the most fascinating specimen I've seen in all my days." When he saw that his words were having no effect on me, he tried another tactic.

"Surely you've noticed something different about yourself since you woke up. Maybe you've noticed the way my awesome pecs ripple under my t-shirt." He pushed his jacket slightly to the side, and… well he did have really nice pecs. I could kind of see his nipples through the thin fabric if I squinted just right. "Or maybe you've seen how my brother's eyes are dark and brooding and seem to draw you in, even though you know he's probably up to no good."

Again, that was true. Carlisle knew what he was talking about.

I thought about how I didn't really want to bone Rosalie Hale, and I remembered how attractive Carlisle's crazy face was when I first looked at it.

"We know you feel it, Mike. Your body is telling you what we already know. You were placed on this earth to further the vampire species, and you need a man to help you do that."

I nodded, because what the hell else could I do?

"How do I even find a man to… get me pregnant?"

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

"You don't even have to worry about that! We took care of it for you," Eleazar said with a proud grin.

"Huh?"

"Well after the first day of your transformation, Eleazar already knew what your power would be. Both Eleazar and I would have been more than willing to do the deed, but unfortunately our wives did not agree. So we talked to the younger guys and explained to them exactly how important your pregnancy would be for science, and… well…"

Carlisle moved toward the bed and found my hand. His palm was warm and comforting, and I could catch the faint smell of Gucci cologne drifting off his skin. God, I was a lost cause. He led me off the bed and toward the door. Eleazar opened it quickly, and after my eyes adjusted to the bright light, I could see a comfortable looking stool placed in front of a sparkling pink curtain. Above the curtain, a flashing heart blinked happily, perfectly in time with the upbeat music I somehow didn't hear before.

Carlisle explained before I could ask. "We set up a dating show for you to find your perfect sperm donor!"

"What?!"

"Sit! Sit!" Eleazar said enthusiastically, leading me toward the lonesome stool. I could hear the shuffling of feet behind the curtain, and I assumed that's where the contestants were taking their seats. Carlisle moved to stand behind a chic, silver podium, lifting some note cards off of a hidden shelf.

This whole thing was really fucking weird, but I couldn't deny that a small part of me was excited. It was sort of like my body knew that this was what I wanted, even if my mind hadn't caught up yet. Plus, I'd always loved watching _Love Connection_ with Grandma when I was home sick from school. In a twisted way, it was kind of like a dream of mine coming true.

"Alright, Mike. We've even written the questions for you, so all you have to do is read off of the cue cards. Your potential baby daddies will give their answers, and then you get to decide which one you'd like to make sweet babies with."

Eleazar looked at me pointedly, waiting for some sign of acknowledgment.

"Uh… okay?"

"Great." Eleazar moved over toward Carlisle and grabbed the cue cards from beneath the podium. He took his place beside Carlisle. The music flared wildly for a moment, and then Carlisle sprang to life.

"So today we have Michael!" he said, doing his best impression of Chuck Woolery. "He is seventeen years old, a virgo, and is looking for a vampire who can rock his world and knock him up." He waved his hands around dramatically as he spoke. It was kind of charming. "Are you ready to meet your men, Mike?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," I answered nervously, wringing my hands together.

"Are you ready, guys?" he asked the curtain. A round of excited applause came out from behind the curtain, and then it was time for the game to begin.

Eleazar lifted the first cue card and nodded toward me with a smile. I read the black print out loud.

_"What is your idea of a perfect date?" _

Okay, that was pretty tame so far. I relaxed slightly on my stool and waited for the guys to answer.

"Baby daddy number one?"

The first man spoke from behind the pink curtain. His voice was as smooth as satin, but was tinted with a hint of sarcasm that only a trained ear could pick up.

"Well, we would start the night at the piano, where I would play you a song that I composed for you. I am entirely inspired by love. Love and Adam Sandler movies. Anyway after the piano, we would take an express flight to Las Vegas where we would make our courtship official in front of God and a guy dressed like Elvis. Then we would return to Forks as newlyweds. We would take a ride in my beautiful, silver car until we reached my secret meadow, where I would make love to you, slowly and tenderly, until the sun rose."

A strange heat built in my lower stomach at his words, and I could feel stuff moving around in my pants. The guy was a smooth talker for sure. I could give him that. But what was that about marriage?

"Sounds sexy," Carlisle said with a smirk. "Baby daddy number two, you're up."

"Now I might not be as romantic as number one over here, but I can tell ya that at least I have the experience to make your impregnation a good time for the both of us." His southern twang was strong, but very appealing. "For our date, the two of us would head on down to a Civil War reenactment. Nothing turns me on quite like southern history and a man or women dressed in the proper uniform. At some point during the battle, the two of us would sneak away to an empty tent. Then I'd ride you like a buckin' bronco until you were neighin' and screamin' for more. Then, I don't know, maybe we could go for a hunt."

The southern gent sounded like he knew how to have a good time, but his forwardness scared me a little bit. Plus I kind of thought I sided with the Union, and that didn't sound like what he wanted.

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" Carlisle joked, making Eleazar squeal with laughter. "Let's hear what you've got, baby daddy number three."

"Two words, bro," said a deep and manly voice. "Pumping. Iron. That is how we would start and end our date. I'd meet you at the gym, where we would do reps and check out hot chicks until we were both completely fatigued. Then we'd swing by the grocery store to pick up some sodas, only so we could crush the cans on our foreheads like men. After that we'd head to the pet store. The kittens are just cute, ya know?" He was right. Kittens are cute. "Anyway after that we'd head back to the gym to take a shower. I don't want to get too explicit here, but let's just say, I'd make sure you dropped the soap."

"Very, very nice, number three," Carlisle said, clapping his hands together.

I was too blown away, and kind of confused, by the manly guy's answer to say anything, so I just smiled at Carlisle, silently telling him to continue.

"Alright, I think we're ready to move onto the second question." He waved toward Eleazar, who switched out the cards.

_"If you could be any kind of fruit, what kind would you be?" _

"Baby daddy number one?"

Number one cleared his throat, mumbling something to the others before finally answering.

"I think I'd be a strawberry. They're the prettiest."

"God, you really suck at this, dude," said the voice of number three.

"Shut up," number one rebutted lamely. He sounded kind of uncomfortable, and it was making me uncomfortable in return.

"Um.. Alright, then," Carlisle said with an awkward laugh. "Number two, how about you?"

I heard the sound of fingers cracking and then number two started to talk.

"I'd be a ripe ol' cranberry, because I can be either sour or sweet, depending on how ya treat me."

I smiled unconsciously, a little relieved that at least one of them was sort of clever.

"Well done, number two. Your turn number three," Carlisle said.

Number three laughed for a moment, a low and sexy sound, and then said, "I'd be a banana. Duh."

I laughed with him, ignoring the fact that my pants were suddenly sticking up at half-mast at the thought of number three's banana coming anywhere near me.

"Oh number three, you sly dog," Carlisle said coyly. "Okay. It's time for the all important final question. Mike, if you please." Eleazar switched out the cards one last time, and I read the words out loud.

_"Why should I choose you to do me?" _

It was a little crass, but it got the point across.

"Baby daddy number one, this is your last chance," Carlisle warned. "Let's hear it."

"Alright. I'm going to be completely immodest for a second. I'm gorgeous. I have the ability to… sense what those around me are thinking, and trust me. They all think I'm hot. I've got the genes and the means to make sure your baby is as perfect as he or she can possibly be."

Wow, number one sure was confident. The combination of his cocky words and his smooth voice was certainly doing something to me, but I wasn't sure if it was enough to make me want his baby batter.

"Thank you number one," Carlisle said seriously. "Number two, last shot."

"I understand that the last few days have been rather tricky for ya." I nodded, because he was right. "I think what you really need right now is some southern hospitality, if you know what I mean. Plus if we're gonna be honest, I'm long, and I'm strong, and I gotta get the friction on."

I twisted on my stool to look behind me, not so subtly checking out my butt after hearing his southern voice recite those awkwardly sexual lyrics.

Carlisle laughed quietly to himself, blatantly checking me out while he did it.

"Baby's certainly got back, but we'll have to wait to see if you're his choice. Number three?"

"I'm going to be honest with you, Mike. I'm not normally into dudes. But my lady gave me the thumbs up, and you sound kind of manly like myself. I think we could have a good time together. Plus, I'll make sure we have plenty of lube."

I blushed furiously at the last sentence, or I would have if I had any blood running through my veins. Though part of me was certainly happy that he'd thought that through. I didn't need that much friction… down _there_… oh god.

"Well said, number three. Well said." Carlisle looked toward me dramatically and cleared his throat. "Okay, Mike. We've heard from all three of your eligible baby daddies, and now it's time to make your choice. I need to know right now. Which one of these three will _not_ be your baby daddy."

I took a deep breath, imaginary beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead.

"All three of you sound great, and you're all attractive in your own ways. But for now I'm going to have to say goodbye to…" I took another deep breath and then just spit it out.

"Number two. I'm sorry. You just sound too aggressive for me. And I can't stand 90's hip hop."

A few angry steps came from behind the curtain, and then Jasper Hale emerged. He was glaring at me, with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"I don't want you anyway. Alice is all the man I need." With that he stuck his tongue out and stormed out of the room.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Carlisle said with a grimace. "Now, Mike, is the moment of truth. Contestants number one and three are left. Which one of those two will _not_ be your baby daddy."

I sighed, "Wow, this is hard. Again, I think you're both amazing… but I'm going to have to say no to number one. I'm sorry. You sound really romantic, but I think you're a little too arrogant for me. Plus, I'm kind of getting the vibe that you're not that into this."

Before I could even take another breath, Edward Cullen ran about from behind the curtain and engulfed me in a hug.

"Oh, thank sweet baby jesus! I get to stay virginal and pure for my Bella!" He squeezed me tightly one more time and then took off after Jasper, skipping and singing quietly to himself.

Carlisle smiled, jumping up and down and clapping his hands excitedly. Eleazar joined in on his excitement.

"Fantastic! That means that the winner today and _your_ baby daddy will be… EMMETT CULLEN!"

Emmett emerged from behind the curtain with a triumphant smile. For the first time I noticed his bulging muscles and the way his eyes twinkled when he was excited.

"Good choice, Mike, my man. Now let's get this thing over with."

He took three giant steps toward me and picked me up, cradling me in his arms like a damsel into distress. We walked together into a doorway I hadn't noticed before, leaving a cheering Carlisle and Eleazar behind us. He kicked the door shut behind us. I was too busy gaping at the room to really notice.

A giant heart-shaped bed was sitting in the center of the room. The floor was covered in a sexy, leopard-print carpet, and I could feel my jeans straining at the sight. Jesus, what was wrong with me? There was some super weird biology at work, I'll tell you that. All I knew was that I craved this man's man juice, and I wanted it now.

Emmett tossed my body onto the bed and ripped off his pants like a stripper-for-hire.

"Do you want me to dance for you or anything?" I quickly shimmied out of my pants and t-shirt, leaving me uncomfortably hard and poking out of my boxers. Emmett smirked. "Maybe not. You seem like you're ready for business."

I sat up on the bed and crawled toward him, needing to feel his skin against mine. His lips seemed like a safe place to start. Emmett disagreed.

"Whoa, whoa, little man. _Pretty Woman_ rules are in full effect."

"Huh?"

"No kissing on the mouth."

"Oh. Got it." I clearly needed to watch more chick flicks. I didn't get how this whole thing worked. I'd never even had sex with a girl before, but I knew I had to have sex with this vampire. So I'd follow his rules.

"Good, now sit your pretty ass back on that bed." He raised his hand to his jaw for a second before cracking up quietly. "Actually, maybe that's backwards. Put your pretty ass up so I can see it." I crawled nervously back onto the bed on my hands and knees. I could see Emmett in the mirror that was conveniently placed on the wall, and he looked about as nervous as I felt.

"Think of Rosalie, think of Rosalie," he muttered to himself.

"You can do it, baby!" a high-pitched voice echoed from a room somewhere else in the house.

"Thanks, Rosie!" Emmett yelled back. His smile was less forced now. He reached into the drawer of a bedside table and pulled out a tube of Astroglide. Ripping off his boxers, he exposed his erect dick, quickly covering it with lube and his own hand. I was kind of impressed at how easily he'd removed his clothes until I remembered the whole vampire thing. I wondered if I could rip through clothes now. Two seconds later, I held my own ripped boxers in my hand. I guess I could.

I yelped girlishly when I felt two fingers poking at my butt, spreading around more Astroglide.

"Calm down, Mikey. If you can't handle this, we're going to have a problem with the actual deed."

I took a deep breath and shook out my arms quickly. "Sorry. You just surprised me. Carry on."

Two things happened at once. Emmett leaned forward on the bed and reached around, grabbing my boner with his lubed-up hand. The motion was unexpected but _perfect_, and I couldn't stifle my groan. The second thing that happened was slightly more uncomfortable. I felt a decent amount of pressure at my… entrance? Netherhole? Chocolate starfish? I didn't even know what to refer to it as. Anyway, I felt something pushing _there_ and then suddenly, I felt full and I could feel Emmett's hips pushing against my cheeks. He pulled out in time with another stroke and then pushed in again.

I would have imagined that this would be really painful the first time, but I guess there were some perks to being a vampire. I felt myself growing impossibly aroused as Emmett's cock pumped in and out of my ass and his hand stroked my dick, giving me the best hand job I'd ever had. Though to be fair, I'd only ever gotten a hand job from myself in the shower.

"Ungg, Emmett," I groaned.

He grunted out, "Don't say my name. You're making it weird."

"Ahh! Got it."

We continued moving for another minute or so, until I was pushing back against him as eagerly as he was pushing into me. We both made strained sounds of pleasure with our movements. Two more pumps of Emmett's fist and one more of his hips, and I was coming, spurts of some weird vampire sperm shooting out onto the bedspread. The liquid sizzled against the fabric, and I watched in exhausted awe as the jizz burned a hole through the blanket.

Emmett groaned one more time and then released into me. He leaned against my back for a second, and then stepped back, removing his softening junk from my ass with a pleasurable sigh.

"Well done, Mike. Jolly good show." I heard the sound of his slipping back on his scraped clothing. "Sorry to leave you so soon, but I feel the sudden urge to reconnect with my wife."

I waved at him from over my shoulder and laughed quietly when I heard him run out the door and up the stairs to meet up with Rosalie.

I felt more complete than I ever had as a human, as if my body knew I had done something important. I stood from the bed, still naked, and walked over to the mirror.

I was shocked. I looked completely different from the last time I looked in the mirror. For starters, my eyes were bright red, and that was creepy as hell. I also had the complexion of someone with a stomach virus, though my actual skin looked perfect and unflawed. My muscles were more toned before, and my blonde hair had gained some sheen and volume. _Holy crap_! I finally had Edward Cullen's bouffant hair after all these years! I did a little fist pump in celebration.

I think I was going to like being a vampire.

My eyes trailed down my body, until I got to my stomach. I could hardly believe it, but it already looked like something small and round had set up camp in my belly. I placed my hand over the swell, and felt a burst of motherly… er, fatherly pride wash over me when the bump kicked me back.

I wiped an imaginary tear away from my eyes and whispered down to my stomach.

"Hello, my nudger."

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_I apologize hahaha._


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